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THE COLD OPEN SIDES #2;
The following are a collection of casting sides transcribed from the .pdf version at The Aaron Sorkin Chronicles.
Gail Winslow
Constance Gower
Kathleen
Jane
Kayla
Kevin
Martin DeWitt
Peter Goldman
Writers
Gail Winslow
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT: NBS SCREENING ROOM - DAY
The plush screening room has about 90 seats and they're all filled with entertainment and business REPORTERS, who also line the walls. PHOTOGRAPHERS sit on the floor in front of the first row.
JORDAN is at a podium on one side of the small stage taking questions. There are two empty director's chairs in the middle of the stage which will soon be filled by MATT and DANNY. The whole thing is taking place in front of the omnipresent logo of the National Broadcasting System.
SHELLY, the head of publicity for NBS, is on the other side of the stage calling on reporters. JACK lurks in the back.
REPORTER #1
Jordan, can you describe the reaction of the NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as a "candy-ass network" and a "greed-filled whorehouse of a network".
TITLE:
Monday
JORDAN
Pleased and proud, as you can imagine.
She gets a laugh...
JORDAN
Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.
Another laugh...
JORDAN (CONT'D)
No, I can't comment on that.
SHELLY
Gail?
GAIL
Gail Winslow of the Philadelphia Inquirer. You're one of the highest ranking female executives in television, which means you'll bring a different sensibility to the job. Can you talk a bit about that?
Constance Gower
JORDAN (CONT'D)
I have nothing but confidence in the both of them, so let's take one more question and let 'em get to work. In the back.
CONSTANCE
Constance Gower here from Rapture Magazine
JORDAN
I'm sorry?
CONSTANCE
Rapture Magazine. Can you tell us about a sketch called "Crazy Christians"?
JORDAN
(beat)
Well that's an internal creative--
MATT
What about it?
CONSTANCE
Is there such a sketch?
MATT
I wrote a sketch four years ago called "Crazy Christians" but it didn't make it on the air.
CONSTANCE
Now that you've been hired back, can we plan on seeing "Crazy Christians" on the air on Friday night.
MATT
It's Monday, I don't know what's going to be on the air Friday night.
DANNY
Yes.
CONSTANCE
Yes what?
DANNY
Yes, it'll be on the air Friday night.
CONSTANCE
I see.
JORDAN
Shelly?
SHELLY
Thank you very much everyone.
Kathleen
INT. HARRIET'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
HARRIET's lying on her couch with a legal pad and a pen, scratching out some thoughts. SUZANNE, a P.A., knocks on the open door--
SUZANNE
Harriet?
[the next four lines of dialogue are obscured]
the writers, so 20 minutes on stage, okay?
HARRIET
Yeah.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY
SHELLY
Katheleen and then Debbie.
KATHLEEN
What's the division of responsibilities?
DANNY
Matt'll do the work and I'll take the credit.
He gets a laugh...
DANNY (CONT'D)
Matt'll oversee all the writing and I'll oversee production.
Jane
DANNY
I'm sorry, Cal, he doesn't have anything yet. He's, you know, he's a little tight.
CAL
It's not problem. Set construction, just be on stand-by. Same thing with the camera department. Sound, set dressing, wardrobe, props, grips, gaffers, electrics in general and F/X.
DANNY
Alright, good meeting.
Everyone gets up as JANE, the show's booker, hurries in with her cell phone still open. We see her whisper something to CAL. CAL hears it, then calls out--
CAL
(calling)
Danny?
That stopped him from leaving...
JANE
Jack White has acute tonsillitis.
DANNY
(pause)
Well...I don't know who that is, but do whatever we do. Send flowers to the hospital or a basket of something.
DANNY heads out and disappears as CAL just waits for the penny to drop...
...then DANNY comes back in slowly. No one's moved.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Jack White.
CAL
Yeah.
DANNY
The White Stripes.
CAL
Yeah.
DANNY
We don't have a musical guest.
JANE
No.
DANNY
Find out who's around. Who's not touring or dead yet. Kanye, Foo Fighters, Dave Matthews, Gwen Stefani, Stone Temple Pilots, Green Day--
JANE
Stone Temple Pilots broke up three years ago.
DANNY
Get 'em back together, Jane. Gimme a list in two hours.
And DANNY's gone as we
CUT TO:
INT. DANNY'S OFFICE - DAY
A desk, a chair and nothing else. SIMON is waiting.
DANNY stops in the open door.
DANNY
Hey.
SIMON
You wanted to see me.
DANNY motions for SIMON to come out with him and SIMON follows DANNY out into--
INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
DANNY
Yeah, what the hell was that?
SIMON
What the hell was what?
DANNY
"What did you think of the season premiere?" "What do you think of Tom's Bill Friest?"
SIMON
Danny--
[a break in the script]
ALL
Jane! Janie!--
--out into--
INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
--where they're still calling--
ALL
Jane!
JANE is actually behind them, having come from the other direction. She's holding her cell phone--
JANE
Hey!
DANNY
Jane--
INT. PRODUCTION OFFICES - CONTINUED
A small bullpen of offices and cubicles where JANE's working the phone--
DANNY
Jane--
JANE
I'm just coming to see you, I'm on hold with Clay Aiken's manager.
SIMON
Then hang up the damn phone.
DANNY
We need Esa-Pekka Salonen and the L.A. Philharmonic.
MATT
We also need the LA Opera Chorus. If you can't get them we'll take the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra. After that try the USC or UCLA orchestras.
JANE
(into phone)
I'll call you back.
DANNY
Whoever it is, it's gotta read Los Angeles and they've gotta be able to play.
JANE
Is this a joke?
MATT
We're counting on it.
DANNY
Go.
JANE takes off--
MATT
Okay, now we just need to write the song and the rest of the show. Tom, Simon, go home, get a change of clothes and your shaving kit, it's us this week.
SIMON
Good.
TOM
Harriet too.
MATT
(beat)
Harriet too.
They take off.
MATT and DANNY are alone...They walk back into--
INT. MATT'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
DANNY
(pause)
I want to kill this week, Matt.
MATT
I want it too.
They look over at the big digital read-out...counting down...
END OF ACT THREE
Kayla
KEVIN
Where do you want your couch to go?
JORDAN
Uh...I'm not good at this. On the floor, I guess.
A FEMALE ASSISTANT steps in--
ASSISTANT
Excuse me.
JORDAN
Kelly.
ASSISTANT
Kayla.
JORDAN
I'll get it.
ASSISTANT (KAYLA)
Shelly Green and a couple of guys from Affiliate Relations are in Jack Rudolph's office and they'd like you to step in.
JORDAN
(to KEVIN)
You think it's a surprise party just for me?
KEVIN
No.
JORDAN
Me neither.
JORDAN exits into--
INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
--and says hello to an EXECUTIVE as he passes--
JORDAN
Hey Bob.
EXECUTIVE
Richard.
JORDAN
Not even close.
[a break in the script]
--where, once out of sight of the people in the office, JORDAN stops to catch her breath and shake off the nerves that we never saw until right now.
KAYLA
Are you okay?
JORDAN
Kayla, right?
KAYLA
Yeah.
CUT TO:
INT. STAGE - DAY
DANNY heading a production meeting with CAL at the other end of the table in the power seat.
CAL
Do we know anything about sound?
DANNY
No.
CAL
F/X?
DANNY
No.
CAL
Film segments?
DANNY
No.
CAL
Is there any point in going around the table?
DANNY
No.
CAL
Okay.
Kevin
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT./EST. NBS BUILDING - DAY
CUT TO:
INT. JORDAN'S OFFICE - DAY
MOVERS are bringing furniture into the otherwise empty office. The only thing up on the walls at the moment is the large, multi-coloured chart of all the network's schedules. KEVIN, Jordan's young assistant, is directing traffic as JORDAN sits on her desk and looks over a stack of scripts.
JORDAN
I want to see every pilot script we've passed on in the last 5 years. Then I want to see every pilot script everyone else has passed on in the last 5 years.
KEVIN
You know how many that's gonna be?
JORDAN
I don't know, probably more than 10.
KEVIN
It's probably more than 10,000. Where do you want your chairs to go?
JORDAN
What?
KEVIN
Where do you want your couch to go?
JORDAN
Uh...I'm not good at this. On the floor, I guess.
[Break]
MATT
It's not hard to be big.
DANNY
That's right.
MATT
Let's see this guy make the Dean's List 8 semesters in a row as a Contemporary Dramatic Lit major.
SIMON
(re: WELLS)
Fairy.
MATT
And what the hell kind of mind works on a Juliette Lewis impression?
DANNY
Same kind that takes it and puts it in Tim Russert's chair. Let's go start the show.
MATT
Fine.
SIMON
And be careful, would you, because between here and there there might be windows made of glass.
MATT
Yeah.
The three of them walk out as we
CUT TO:
INT. JORDAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT
JORDAN is at her desk reading scripts when her assistant, KEVIN, appears in the doorway.
KEVIN
Jordan?
JORDAN
Yeah.
JORDAN begins packing her briefcase with scripts...
KEVIN
Shelly Green's office just called.
JORDAN
Well that can only be good news.
KEVIN
Ryan's going on Geraldo.
JORDAN
(beat)
When?
KEVIN
Monday night.
JORDAN
Well sharks gotta swim, bats gotta fly. I'm gonna get screwed by this man till I die.
KEVIN
You mind if I ask you something?
JORDAN
What?
KEVIN
Some of the stuff is true, some he's making up.
JORDAN
Yeah.
KEVIN
So why not at least put out a piece of paper saying "this one is true, this he made up, this one is not true", why not at least do that?
JORDAN
'Cause I'd look like an idiot, I'd prolong the story, I'd take it to a new level by commenting and mostly I'd help him sell books.
KEVIN
Well you're taking it well.
JORDAN
Thank you.
KEVIN
Are you going home?
JORDAN
I'm gonna go over to Studio 60 and check on Martha.
KEVIN
Okay.
JORDAN
Monday?
KEVIN
Yeah, I'll see you Monday.
JORDAN
No, he'll be on Geraldo on Monday? My ex-husband?
KEVIN
Yeah.
JORDAN
Okay.
JORDAN exits as we
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO 60/STAGE - NIGHT
--in mid-show with HARRIET and SIMON at the "News 60" anchor desk.
SIMON
...dyslexia, hyperplexia, ADD, ADHD, when I went to school there was just stupid.
A big LAUGH--
SIMON (CONT'D)
"What's wrong with my son?" "Oh him? He's stupid. Next!"
A big LAUGH--
SIMON (CONT'D)
America's also the most overweight nation in the world. We've got so much food here we drop it on people along with bombs.
(MORE)
Martin DeWitt
SHELLY
Martin and then Veronica.
MARTIN
Martin DeWitt, Entertainment Weekly. This is for either one of you or both. You were gearing up to make a movie about Tesla. Why would you abandon the movie to come back to television?
MATT
We haven't abandoned the movie, we've--
DANNY
Ten days ago I tested positive for cocaine and the insurance company won't bond me until I've had 18 months of clean tests, so I won't be directing movies for a couple of years.
And that whiplashes the room to attention. Silence. Did they just hear what they thought they heard?
JORDAN's staring...so's JACK...MATT's trying to not make eye contact with anybody...
DANNY (CONT'D)
I think Veronica was next.
The cameras start clicking and flashing--
MARTIN
Did you say--
DANNY
I did, and that's the last time you'll hear me speak publicly about it. Veronica?
VERONICA
Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?
JORDAN
I don't remember, I was high at the time.
MATT and DANNY can't help laughing, but they're the only ones...
JORDAN (CONT'D)
You all thought I was funnier at the beginning of the press conference.
(MORE)
Peter Goldman
JORDAN
Hey Bob.
EXECUTIVE
Richard.
JORDAN
Not even close.
JORDAN walks into--
INT. JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
An office befitting the chairman of a company worth several billion dollars. SHELLY's already there, along with EXECUTIVES from the sales department and affiliate relations.
JACK
Jordan, we've got the beginning of a problem.
JORDAN
I'll do my best to exacerbate it, what do you got?
PETER
I'm Peter Goldman from Affiliate Relations, we didn't really get a chance to meet in the chaos Friday night.
JOE
And I'm Joe Reardon from Sales.
PETER
We got a very nervous call from a man named Vernon Williams who's the owner of WTIH, our affiliate in Terre Haute.
JACK
Vernon Williams had to call on this cell phone because his station lines are jammed.
PETER
He won't carry Studio 60 Friday night unless he's guaranteed that the sketch "Crazy Christians" is dropped.
JORDAN
I don't tell the guys what to put on the show.
JACK
Yeah you do, you're their boss.
JORDAN
And in fact in this case I specifically gave them permission to do it. I kinda made 'em a promise.
JACK
Break it.
JORDAN
Over the Terre Haute market? What are they, 229th out of 230 affiliates?
JACK
They're 151st on the list, but that's not the point.
JORDAN
And how did the editor of Total Nut Bar Magazine get mobilized this fast?
JACK
That's the point.
[Break]
JORDAN
She and I have been on the job for the exact same amount of time and I don't even know how to work my phone yet!
JACK
Dial "9" professor.
JORDAN
Where's she at?
PETER
Well clearly--
JORDAN
What's her name?
JACK
Constance Gower.
JORDAN
I hate that name. Where's she at?
PETER
I was gonna say clearly she's got AFV working the banks. She put a newsflash on their website. That's like flashing the Bat Signal for her members.
JORDAN
How many members?
PETER
500,000 on the mailing list, 100 full time employees plus the lawyers.
JACK
Screw the lawyers.
JORDAN
I'm a lawyer. Let's wargame this. It's Monday, what happens now? Shelly, Peter, you be them, I'll be us. I have three options, I can ignore you, I can meet with you to discuss this or I can cut the sketch.
SHELLY
Meeting with me emboldens me, either cut the sketch or expect our wrath.
JORDAN
What's your wrath?
SHELLY
Phone lines will be flooded within the hour--at Studio 60, 22 different red state affiliates and here at your network headquarters and I'd forget about your fax machines for the next couple of days too. I should also tell you the e-mail addresses of you, Jack and Wilson White will be listed on our Web site as well. And God help you there are any Girls Gone Wild photos of you out there from your college days 'cause we'll find 'em.
JORDAN
I'm not scared yet.
SHELLY
'Cause I'm not done yet. Starting tomorrow, we'll have our most eloquent figureheads--Ralph Reed, Donald Wildmon, the whole starting team--they'll be everywhere on TV and then when your sponsors start dropping out, along with a hell of a lot more affiliates than Terre Haute.
JORDAN
I'm bullet-proof on Friday nights.
SHELLY
How?
JORDAN
Because the movies open on Friday and half my sponsors are studios, including the one owned by the parent company of this network, who want their trailers associated with what's hip and coll and know ninety-seven five for a 30 second spot's a good deal.
PETER
You're assuming they're gonna stop with this show?
JORDAN
Do you have objections to our other programming.
PETER
I have an objection to NBS if it airs a sketch that's offensive to me and millions of other people, so the snacks, the soap, the cereal, the cell phones, we'll boycott 'em all and the stores that sell 'em.
SHELLY
You don't think our army's big enough to beat you, we'll let the big guys do the fighting for us.
JORDAN
I don't believe they will.
PETER
Why?
JORDAN
Because even though network share's been reduced dramatically by cable, we're still the best game in town when it comes to delivering eyeballs to advertisers.
Finally JOE speaks up--
JOE
There won't be any eyeballs without the affiliates.
JORDAN
We lost one
JOE
In five hours.
JORDAN
Terre-Haute. What's next, Little Rock-Pine Bluff? Have any of these people ever watched the show and if they don't like it, can someone go over to their houses and teach 'em how to change the channel?
JACK
That sounds like exactly what my next job will be.
JORDAN
Jack--
Writers
MATT's pitch meeting is underway...
RICKY
Lucy?
LUCY
"The Democracy Act". Bush announces his new bill called the Democracy Act, making it illegal to vote.
MATT doesn't like it.
MATT
(a little tentatively)
I don't know.
RICKY
It's a play on how these guys always name things the opposite of what they are. The Patriot Act, The Clean Water Act--
LUCY
Defence of Marriage--
MATT
I understand.
RON
During the speech he could wear a crown and hold a scepter.
MATT
Yeah, that doesn't make it better.
RICKY
Denny?
DENNY
"Bush's New Drug Czar". Bush appoints a new Drug Czar, but because of his poor vetting process it turns out he's hired a drug kingpin instead.
MATT points to the next writer--
RICKY
Mitch?
MITCH
"The President's Daily Briefing". White House staffers put on a puppet show to explain--
MATT
I need to start with the opening. I need to start with the opening. When I have the opening I can--
ELLIOT
We've got "The Bush Speech Writers"--
RON
Which can be used for the cold opening.
DEB
Or "Family Feud". The Clinton's versus The Bush's.
LOUIS
--and the vetters--
ELLIOT
"The Bush Vetters"--
RICKY
One at a time.
ELLIOT
He said "nookuler" again this week.
HAL
And gave another speech with a bumper sticker backdrop, how can we--
ELLIOT
How can we not do any Bush--
MATT
I didn't say we're not gonna--
FRED
"The Bush Vetters" is a little like "The Drug Czar" isn't it?
MATT
Stop.
(beat)
Just stop.
(pause)
What are you all wearing?
It's a strange question that takes them by surprise and they don't quite understand...
[Break]
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. WRITERS' ROOM - NIGHT
The WRITERs, led by RICKY and RON, are seated around the conference table--though a couple are sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall from fatigue.
RICKY
90 seconds. That's what he asked for. 90 seconds of material from the writers room. Was the request patronizing and a veiled insult? I think so.
RON
I don't think the insult was that veiled.
RICKY
Me neither. But not being about to contribute 90 seconds to a 90 minute telecast is a good way to demonstrate to people that we're people who should be insulted.
RON
Yeah.
RICKY
What.
RON
It is.
RICKY lifts the end of the table up and bangs it down, getting everyone's attention.
RICKY
We have to produce something!
DEB
May I ask if I can re--
RICKY
No.
DEB
If I can re-pitch--
RICKY
No.
DEB
A sketch about McDeere.
RICKY
No.
RON
I agree.
LUCY
The DUI, the Christian Right, the joke about cocaine, the book, the marriage, the sex clubs--
DEB
To say nothing of hiring back Matt and Danny--
LUCY
Everybody is doing it and we look ridiculous if we don't.
FRED
Jay, Conan, Dave, SNL did it 24 hours after we did nothing.
RICKY
If we're gonna do a sketch calling the president of this network a drunken sex addict, I'm not gonna be the one to write it. What else?
LUCY
It's self-deprecating.
RON
Self-deprecating would be if we were drunken sex addicts.
RICKY
What else?
HAL
I've got something.
RICKY
What?
HAL
I think I've got something.
HAL, a young writer on the staff, has been typing at his laptop until now.
RICKY
Hal, do you feel like this is the right time to pitch me something that blows?
HAL
No.
RICKY
So you're willing to take that chance?
RON
Lemme see it.
HAL sends his laptop down to RICKY and RON.
HAL
It's for Simon. Either as a sketch or he can do it as an editorial in News 60.
RICKY
(reading)
"At school all the kids are diagnosed with stuff like dyslexia, hyperlexia, ADD, ADHD... In my day you were just stupid. "What's wrong with my son?" "Oh, him? He's stupid. Next!"
The room laughs a little...RICKY smiles...
RICKY (CONT'D)
(pause)
"America's the most overweight nation in the world. We've got so much food here, we drop it on people along with bombs. If you really want to mess with somebody's head, drop a cruise missile and a couple a tons of Hot Pockets on their ass."
(to the room)
This is it, let's everybody get to work on this.
CUT TO:
INT. THEATRE BALCONY - NIGHT
MATT's sitting in a seat with a legal pad and his feet up on the rail. He's staring at the empty stage below.
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