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QUOTES;

101 - Pilot

Jerry: What do you want me to say to the 50 million people who are gonna go out of their minds as soon as it airs?
Wes: First of all, you can tell 'em we average 9 million households so that's at least 41 million of them who are full of crap. And then second, you can tell 'em that living where there's free speech means sometimes you get offended.

Felicity Huffman: (when asked to choose between the slutty dress and the very slutty dress) I need the very slutty dress and somebody else to wear it.

Wes: It's not gonna be a very good show tonight and I think you show change the channel.

Wes: This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but it's gotten lobotomised by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We were about to do a sketch that you've seen already about 500 times. Yeah, no one's gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton, now, we get it! We're all being lobotomised by this country's most influential industry that's just throwing in the towel on any endeavour to do anything that doesn't include the courting of twelve year old boys. And not even the smart twelve year olds, the stupid ones, the idiots, of which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network. So why don't you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead.

Wes: ...a struggle between art and commerce. Well, there's always been a struggle between art and commerce. And now I'm telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And it's making us mean, and it's making us bitchy. It's making us cheap punks, and that's not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump!

Wes: We're eating worms for money. "Who Wants To Screw My Sister?" Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hand is a crack pipe.

Jack: The remark about worm eating and "Who Wants To Screw My Sister"? He was talking about our shows?
Michael: We don't know.
Jordan chuckles.
Jack: Is there something funny about this, Jordan?
Jordan: Oh God, Jack, there's like seven things funny about this. We're not sure which sister-pimping show he was talking about?

Matt: I'm on a little Vicodin and some Percoset and a steroid called Nortizone, a side effect of which is mania. I swear to God, says so right on the bottle.

Matt: (explaining why he doesn't want to go to Studio 60's wrap party) No, I like Felicity fine, just the woman I broke up with is a cast member. And it would be awkward if I went to the party and... killed her in front of all those people.

Matt: (accepting a Writer's Guild award) Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge our director, Danny Tripp. Whether it’s on a set or at my desk, he’s never not been there for me. Would you move the followspot over to Danny on table 15?
(the spotlight moves to where Danny was sitting a moment ago)
Matt: (to the model who presented him with the award) You see there's nobody there too, right?

Cal: I'm sorry about Matt. I'm a big fan of his and I like him a lot.
Harriet: I'm a big fan of his and I hate his breathing guts.

Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?

Jack: ...he failed a drug test?

Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Shoulda trusted me a little, Danny.

Matt: Sorry about that, that one was all me.

Danny: Yeah.

Matt: Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L-5 S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet...

Suzanne: Are you coming to save us?

Matt: (after being slapped by Harriet) Fortunately I'm on about 8000 milligrams of painkillers right now.

Danny: What are you smiling about?
Matt: It's a nice studio. It's a great studio with an incredible history. The people who've had this stage...
Danny: You like it?
Matt: Yeah.
Danny: (smiles) Good. 'Cause we live here now.


The Cold Open

Jordan: (on stage) They are irreverent, they are brilliant. They will make us laugh, they will make think, they will make us talk and they will make us proud.
Danny: Easy does it, lady.
Jordan: (on stage) They will return Studio 60 to its former glory as the flagship program of NBS And NBS will return to its former place as America's greatest broadcast network. And if you don't believe me, tune in Friday night at 11:30.
Danny: No.
Matt: By the way, this latest career move of ours?
Danny: Pretty stupid?
Matt: Yeah.
Jordan: (on stage) ...friends of mine, and old friends to the network, Matthew Albie and Danny Tripp.
Matt and Danny step out onto the stage.
Danny: (leaning over to whisper in Jordan's ear) Stick around okay? When we're done I need to choke you to death.
Jordan: You bet.

Matt: (at the press conference) I spent some time talking with Jordan Friday night and again this morning and she's... peculiar. We're both honestly very excited about working with her and getting to know her. We're also very happy to be back with her boss Jack Rudolph. (this gets some laughs) Guys, you've got it all wrong. I don't want to get too personal but the first time Jack and I made love, it was incredible.

Matt: (to the writers) What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anything, but holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.
Ron: It's comedy, Matt.
Matt: Not yet it's not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally.
Harriet: (bursting in) You are an adolescent, oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: ...and all that will begin in just a few minutes.

Danny: How's it going?
Matt: Good. Can the White Stripes play for an hour and a half?

Danny: We don't need to do it now, but at some point I'm gonna ask you to level with me about Harriet. I need to know how big a problem it's gonna be.
Matt: It's not gonna be a problem at all.
Danny: It will if you're in love with her.
Matt: I'm not. (beat) I'm not. Danny. I love her talent. The woman's got millions of fans, but there are maybe fifty guys in town who really understand how good she is and we're two of them. That's all, I admire her. I'm knocked out by her talent. I like it when she makes me laugh and I like making her laugh, which isn't an easy thing to do, so it's gratifying. She's undeniably sexy, and I like it when she smiles at me, and a couple of other things, but that's it.
Danny: Oh my God, we are so screwed.
Matt: I know.

Danny: Your second year of the show was my last. And at the beginning of that season, you were pissed because Jamie Foxx had beaten you out for the part in Stone's movie, the football movie.
Simon: Yeah.
Danny: You were pissed Jamie, you were pissed at Will Smith, you were pissed at Denzel and you came into my office and you said "I just graduated from Yale Drama and I don’t belong here." And so I was pissed at you, cause I do belong here.
Simon: I belong here, too.
Danny: I know.
Simon: So don't fire me.
Danny: Why the hell would I do that?
Simon: 'Cause I can't do the voices.
Danny: What?
Simon: I can't do the voices. With the "Jelloooo pudding pops". I can’t do the voices.
Danny: Holy god, Sim, that’s what you’re worried about?
Simon: Ricky and Ron are--
Danny: Hacks?!
Simon: They've been saying I need to do voices, that I need to learn--
Danny: When did Wes let those guys take the show? When did it happen? That's why Matt didn’t understand what the writers were wearing. When did he stop running the show?
Simon: You can't be too hard on Wes. People get tired and you guys were like his sons, and he didn't stand up for you and he knew it.
Danny: We never asked him to.
Simon: Doesn't matter.
Danny: We're starting over. We're gonna get you doing what you’re good at. Including, starting next week, you're gonna co-anchor the news.
Simon: You're kidding.
Danny: No. And that Cosby wasn’t bad, by the way.
Simon: Yeah, it was.
Danny: Yeah, it was.


The Focus Group


The West Coast Delay

Harriet: I want closure, Matthew, and I want to move on.
Matt: Are you talking about us?
Harriet: Yes.
Matt: We broke up.
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: How much more closure are you looking for?
Harriet: I want you to tell me that you have no intention of trying to win me back.
Matt: Well, we have a problem there.
Harriet: Yes, I know. You're a north-eastern Jewish liberal atheist and I'm a southern Baptist who believes that you're going to burn in Hell.
Matt: Two problems.

Matt: Harry?
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: He wrote his phone number on here.
Harriet: What do you mean?
Matt: I mean he wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?
Harriet: That's his phone number?
Matt: What did you think it was?
Harriet: I just thought it was his uniform number, you know, they sign their name and then write the number.
Matt: Yeah, they do do that. (beat) You thought his uniform number was three billion, one hundred and six million, seven hundred and eight-six thousand, five hundr- he was asking you out!
Harriet: You know, now that I've had some time to reflect upon it I think you might be right.
Matt: Do you?
Harriet: Yes.
Matt: Yeah. You gave me a used cocktail napkin, basically.

Harriet: (yelling) Look, skipper, if I wanted to make you jealous, trust me, you'd be jealous.
Matt: (yelling) I am jealous!
Harriet: Well, then, bonus for me!

Samantha: Did you give him the bat?
Harriet: Yes.
Samantha: Did he like it?
Harriet: I'm not sure. It was hard to tell from the way he was shoving it up my ass.

Harriet: You know, maybe the reason Darren Wells and I get along so well is that he likes to both talk and listen.
Matt: Or maybe the reason they get along so well is that they have roughly the same chance of getting a hit in a major league baseball game.
Harriet: I loathe you.

Matt: (re: Harriet dating Darren Wells) I don't feel crazy.
Tom: He's a professional athlete, Matt, he's physically superior to you in every possible way.
Matt: I feel a little crazy.
Tom: That's right, and that's why you're having trouble writing the last twelve minutes.
Matt: Strictly speaking, I've never needed a special reason to have trouble writing but what's your point?
Tom: This is pure Strindberg.
Matt: August Strindberg?
Tom: This is right out of The Father, scariest play I've ever read.
Matt: How did we move from baseball to August Strindberg?
Tom: We just did. The wife drives the husband crazy. Matt, he literally goes mad because he's never able to regain the upper hand!
Matt: He goes mad because the wife plants it in his head that the child might not be his.
Tom: Exactly!
Matt: The hell are you talking about?
Tom: Get yourself up off the ground, don't brush the dirt off your uniform, stand in and blast the next pitch back into Paula's face!
Matt: Harriet's face.
Tom: Yes!
Matt: Why don't you just call her?
Tom: He goes mad at the end of the play, it's a very disturbing sight.

Tom: I'd like to be your wingman.
Matt: Well, I appreciate that, but I'm not flying anywhere.
Tom: You need a wingman and you've always been mine.
Matt: I have?
Tom: You could start.

Tom: Did you get the boot?
Matt: I gave back the boot, along with most of my dignity!
Tom: (dismissively) I gave up on dignity once Paula broke up with me.
Matt: I kind of wish you'd put it in that context when you advised me to get a boot signed.

Matt: She believes the world was created in six days, and that's not even among the top three reasons we're not together. How much evidence do you need that two people are wrong for each other? (pause) Except when I watch her on stage...
Tom: Your chest hurts?
Matt: (rubs his chest) Yeah.
Tom: God.
Matt: What?
Tom: I just think it's great when we talk like this.

Cal: Harry, are you gonna have time after Meet the Press to get out and in for News 60?
Harriet: What is it, 2:20?
Cal: Yeah.
Harriet: I can make the change with twenty seconds to spare.
Cal: Really?
Harriet: Unless you want me wearing clothes.
Cal: Well, I don't...

Danny: (to Martha, who is purposely wearing a low-cut top) Nice rack, by the way. Tell Jordan I'm not fifteen.

Danny: You sure you don't want to come to breakfast?
Matt: (swinging the baseball bat over his shoulder) No, I've still got 2:20 to fill.
Danny: Well, maybe by the time we get back something funny will have happened.
Matt: I don't write the news, I can't wait for something funny to happen. I have to make something funny happen. (He sits down and the baseball bat, still slung over his shoulder, shatters the window behind him.)
Danny: (beat) Well, you're the best.

Simon: (re: Harriet and Darren Wells) They've been out once!
Matt: You know?
Simon: Yes.
Matt: And you didn't tell me?
Danny: He probably thought it would distract you. Obviously, he was wrong.

Matt: I'm going to her dressing room and I'm stamping her down.
Tom: Why?
Matt: 'Cause one of the Bombshell Babies gave me some really good advice.
Tom: I dare you to say that sentence again.

Harriet: (re: the "plagiarised" sketch) You know, where I grew up if this had happened, there'd be a town meeting and everybody'd be there and the guy would have to sit and listen while Reverand Tillinghouse gave a sermon on honesty and character.
Simon: That's exactly what would happen where I grew up, except we'd've just driven by the guy's house and shot him with a gat 9.
Harriet: See? There's more that unites us than divides us.

Danny: Alright, here we go, just like we did it three hours ago - only, you know, legal.

Ricky: The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job. We both talked to him and in no uncertain terms he screwed up huge and he knows up, but I'm not gonna end his career over it. 'Cause I know how he feels. And that's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room. People aren't even going for funny any more, Matt. They're just trying for your respect. Anyway, we told Danny. We'll step down if you want, but we're not giving him up.
Matt: (pause) Well, now you've got my respect.

Suzanne: Ms McDeere?
Jordan: Yeah.
Suzanne: (handing her the phone) Jack Rudolph.
Jordan: My boyfriend's calling me. (into the phone) Hey, Jack!
Jack: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OVER THERE?!
Jordan: It's all under control, plus if you had any money on the Bangalore Union Cricket Club, it's your lucky day! (she hangs up)

Danny: (re: the "plagiarised" sketch) We own the copyright? (he and Matt turn to Harriet and Simon at the News 60 desk)
Simon: No!
Danny: Yeah. Just one more time. Get me Cally, get Jordan a drink, send Jack Rudolph a nice thing of balloons.
Simon: Matt, anything you want me to say in particular to anyone who might still be left watching? (Matt grabs a piece of paper and silently scribbles down something. Simon sighs. Reading:) "This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began..."